Alternate title: Why Mama Needs a Stiff Drink at the End of the Day
Here's an hour-long excerpt from yesterday.
Wake up Child #1 from nap. Discover she has taken her diaper off and pooped in her bed. And all over a book. Put Child #2 down to clean up. Child #2 starts to cry because Child #2 is teeny tiny and requires being held at mostly all times.
Pile the 4 million toys/pillows/blankets/knicknacks from Child #1's bed on the floor, inspecting each item for random poop. Strip blankets and sheets. Cram enormous comforter into washing machine and hope the label is lying when it says to dry clean only. Wipe Child #1 down once again to make sure no poop is lingering anywhere.
Give Child #1 her snack. NO, NOT THAT SNACK!!!! Give Child #1 the option of THAT SNACK or nothing. Sit on the floor feeding Child #2 while Child #1 yells/cries for a while and eventually eats snack.
Start dinner to go in the crockpot. Put apron on Child #1 so she can "help cook," pull chair up to counter, give her a butter knife and mushrooms to mangle. Move items away from grabby hands. Move other items away from grabby hands. Pick Child #2 up so he'll stop crying. Put Child #2 in bouncy chair. Give Child #2 a pacifier.
Chop one-third of an onion. Put pacifier back in Child #2's mouth.
Chop two-thirds of an onion. Put pacifier back in Child #2's mouth.
Chop final piece of onion. Put pacifier back in Child #2's mouth.
Give rapidly burning beef a quick stir, put pacifier back in Child #2's mouth.
Discover Child #1's poop-covered book is still sitting on kitchen counter. Alternate stirring beef with wiping down pages of book with disinfectant spray and paper towel.
Child #1 sees disinfectant spray and wants her "spray." Fill old spray bottle with water and give sponge and bottle to Child #1. Let her spray whatever the frick she wants as long as she's quiet.
Give up on pacifier, pick up Child #2. Slip in puddle of water on floor from Child #1's cleaning efforts.
Finish putting items in crockpot, turn it on. Wash dishes. Child #2 screams throughout, resulting in twitchy eye.
Finally give in and turn on TV for Child #1. Feed Child #2 again while listening to Child #1 demand over and over that people on TV DANCE! DANCE!. Explain to Child #1 that they can't hear her. Rub twitchy eye and fast-forward until TV people are dancing. Burp Child #2 and get spat up on.
Count the minutes until 6:30 and pray that Daddy doesn't get stuck in traffic on the way home.
Did I mention this was just one hour from my day? Yeah.
Thank God for bedtime and booze.